It has been a little while since I sat down to write, to ponder, to explore my feelings and share them. So here I am attempting to have a comeback of some sort.
After graduating from Teacher Training (TT), I had a heck of a start. I had great momentum and my enthusiasm seemed endless. But before I realized it, and oh very suddenly, I hit a low. I am not sure when it suddenly dawned on me, but I know that by mid November 2014, I hit what I call My “YOGA WALL” …and hard.
There I was, all of a sudden, frustrated, sad, irritated and mostly drained. What the heck happened? Why is this happening to me, I am a YOGA TEACHER!!? Aren’t I supposed to be the sane one here? The calm and collected yogi? The one that gives and only reflects pure peace and love and Santosha (contentment)? Isn’t this what I wanted to do, what I worked so hard to obtain? Didn’t I love the rewards, how great I felt when my students said to me, “I love your class or I feel so much better now”? Didn’t I no longer crave the yoga teacher high? It’s just been a year and change? Am I already exhausted? But, this is my passion, no? What happened to the drive, the need, the wanting to share the yoga gift with the world? Why am I so tired? These questions kept mounting and mounting; every day, as I continued to pile on, ignore them and push forward.
Working my 9 to 5, then rushing home after teaching 2 classes 3-4 times a week; plus teaching my Karma yoga classes on weekends, studying for other training’s, prepping class sequences, writing newsletters and marketing myself on Social Media; my family, my home, my dog and of course my patient husband waiting at home. I kept pushing it all aside, I kept plugging along. I said to myself daily “I can do this”! I sacrificed my practiced so that I can give the practice to my devoted students. I kept ignoring my thoughts, the feelings, the self resentment and my body telling me to rest, to slow down and to find my own way to the mat. I fought through my injuries, the ailments the restlessness…I kept pushing myself out of the way and then, the inevitable happened…. I fell apart. Literally! I did, right in front of one of my precious students. There I was…speechless, stuck and drowning. My tears pushed through, my emotions won, my body said NO more; my knees caved in… I surrendered to my mat. I surrendered and said, YES! You are right…I can’t anymore. I need some ME time and I need it NOW!
That was just in February. July is here and I find myself better, although still a bit apprehensive, I feel ready. But I feel like I am starting over. I find myself replanting the seeds like the ones that sprouted before no longer matter – nor existed. In spite of this, I am ready to begin my teachings again. I want to help people and I know that yoga is the way I can do my part in aiding others. However, the Universe has shown me that being too humble or showing your weakness can have negative consequences; my necessary mini-breakdown may have cost me what I worked so hard to build – my credibility as a good yoga teacher. I wasn’t embraced or understood like I thought I would be for showing my vulnerability and I have felt the indifference – and it hurts… But I digress.
As the popularity of yoga continues to grow (worldwide), so does the unrealistic expectations of how or what a yoga teacher is supposed to be like. Aside from expecting us to bend like pretzels or be ‘yogalebrities’, we are expected to always be and act perfect! The stereo types grow by the minute. We are supposed to be the strong ones, the ones that never worry, and the ones that have all the answers. We are supposed to never curse, manage stress perfectly and mostly never breakdown! Seriously?!! But we are human too! Not to sound cliché, but it’s true. We REALLY ARE!!! We yoga teachers actually need the yoga more than the actual student. It’s our sanity – literally!! It’s the reason we are teachers, it’s the reason we live and breathe the YOGA. Yoga is our way of surviving our own awareness in this current state of being and we NEED IT more than anyone. I hit that wall because I forgot to honor what we yogis are told to honor the most, to honor the Self.
So with that, I am here. I am here to move forward and FluidFlowOn! I have plenty more yoga to share and give and guest what, I am smarter now. The lessons were learned and I am slowly working on regaining my ivetteyoga mojo. Like my sister in law always tells me, “Keep at it”!
I hope my followers embrace my efforts and that the yoga community learns to accept that WE yoga teachers are going to have opportunities to improve. We will mispronounce that Sanskrit word or forget it altogether; we may forget what side or sequence comes next; that NO, we don’t know it all! Please note that some days we are tired, drained mentally and physically, but we still show up and do our best. Know that we do this thing called ‘teaching yoga’ because we love what yoga represents. We love what yoga can do for you, for your health and for your sanity. Teaching yoga can be a career path and for some it can be a very lucrative path. Nonetheless, most of us teach yoga because we truly LOVE it and because we BELIEVE in its power and grace. Yoga has a way of showing us our true colors and bringing us to our knees so that we are forced to go WITHIN and find our true light. We may fall, but a yogi knows that getting up after the fall is harder than the actual fall.
So I invite you to join me in this journey of me regaining my mojo. Hope you are IN!